How much crap? - A lecture...

I was hunting through our kitchen today looking for a spatula - as you do - and was amazed at the sheer amount of crap preventing me from accomplishing my goal. Our drawers are packed with gadgets. We have all the usual kitchen tools, as I'm sure you do, plus a few more that come out once a year but do provide a service. And then there are those that make me sit back and shake my head in wonderment. What were we planning to do with that?

For example, I have an egg separator. It's like a spoon with holes in for letting the white drain away from the yolk. Eggs come with built-in separators, called shells.

We also have a serrated vegetable peeler which allows me to peel pretty patterns in carrots but is incapable of removing the skin of anything tougher (they're supposed to be really good for this.) I'm sure I didn't buy this one - it has that "handed-down" look possessed only by nylon raincoats, tacky sweaters and Richard Simmons. (But I repeat myself.)

And then there's the electric can-opener. Now don't get me wrong - the electric can-opener is a godsend for people of limited dexterity who may not have the ability to use a manual opener. (Lefties, for example.) But otherwise it's one of those conveniences of modern life that is only considered convenient because the marketing people said so.

This all made me consider what I could throw out. Which in turn made me wonder which items I actually use in the first place. Most things in kitchens have blades, so I thought I'd go through the drawers and find out what sharp things I use, and what I use them for...

Chef's knife

Used for almost every cutting task in the kitchen. If you have a chef's knife, you can prep anything. I haven't got round to buying a nice posh knife yet - that's my birthday treat to myself this year. I still use an Oxo Good Grips 8" Chef's Knife, and it's remarkably good for $25. Chef's knives have a curved blade, so you can rock it back-and-forth to finely chop and mince. The sharp pointy end is good for smaller, lighter tasks, while the larger area near the handle is good for heavier jobs. Don't get a serrated chef's knife - they're next to useless. Bend a single spike and you'll be sliding off onions and losing finger-tips. Dangerous!

The humble chef's knife is not good for some things though, which is why I also use...

Boning knife

I like lamb, and usually buy it on the bone. This knife removes the meat from the bone. It can do fish too. In fact, this knife is good for any job that isn't too fiddly and must be done sans cutting board. (A boning knife is designed for cutting along curved surfaces - hence the shape of the blade - and does not play too well with cutting boards.) I have a 5" rigid version, but I intend to replace it with a semi-rigid (more flexible) knife eventually.

Cleaver

I make a lot of stocks, and a cleaver really helps to break bones to get the flavour out into the liquid. Roasting the bones first (along with some veg), then cracking them before dropping them in the water makes an even better stock. A good cleaver can also be used for cutting through tough vegetables like turnip, but clean it thoroughly if you've used it for meat! (I cut the veg first and the meat last.) The cleaver I use is heavy and has a flat spine, which lets it do double duty as a meat tenderizer. The blade is about 7" by 3", which also makes it good for scooping chopped food into a bowl or pan.

Paring knife
I use this for the fiddly jobs that can't be done with any of the other knives. I do prefer a paring knife for prepping shallots and olives, but that's about it. Otherwise I stick with my chef's knife. My paring knife is a 3 1/2" one with a triangular blade.

Serrated bread knife
I have one, but I admit I never use it. However, if it went without mention I would be berated for leaving it out. Excellent for cutting bread - the name gave it away, didn't it - and great for tomatoes and other thin-skinned, soft items too. The reason I don't use one is simply because I keep my chef's knife sharp enough to slice through tomato. (I'd have bought a serrated Ginsu knife, but I rarely cook anything containing sliced up drinks cans.)

Grapefruit spoon
That's right - a grapefruit spoon. One of my favourite tools. A grapefruit spoon is just a teaspoon with a serrated front edge. Simple. Why is it so cool? It removes the insides from chiles in one fell scoop. Scoop the insides out of tomatoes. Scoop the insides out of anything, in fact, like the gills from mushrooms or the seeds out of squashes. Scrape the skin off many things too, like root ginger. Scoop and skin - they should have called this the Buffalo Bill Spoon. I'm sure Jame Gumb would have owned a few... Oh, and you can also use them to eat grapefruit. But that's a waste of a perfectly good Buffalo Bill Spoon. Kiwi fruit, maybe..?

Kitchen shears
A good pair of shears can be used for snipping herbs (especially chives) and for trimming poultry, opening food bags, cutting butcher's twine, etc - all the obvious things. Just make sure they're sturdy, sharp and comfortable. The good people at Oxo Good Grips make many fine tools. However, kitchen shears are NOT among them. They do a spring-loaded version with a little red clip that magically closes and prevents the scissors from cutting EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU INVERT THE SCISSORS! They basically force you to aim the points up and bend your wrist at weird angles to make them work. You should never run with scissors, and you certainly shouldn't wave them around while you're trying to cut. Kitchen scissors that look like scissors, and not like sacateurs, are what you need.

Vegetable peeler
Some people use a paring knife for peeling potatoes. I've never understood why - it's not safe, and it certainly doesn't seem quick. Not for me, anyway. A Swiss peeler - the Y-shaped type - is my tool of choice, and they can be remarkably quick given the right technique. I'm going to tell you how I do it just because I have a friend or two who hold the potato at arms length and just sort of beat the blade against the skin, hoping to get some purchase. A pound of potatoes takes about 20 minutes. Here's how to do it in 2:

Hold your potato in your non-peeler hand. Put your peeling-hand thumb near the bottom of the potato (about the 7 o'clock position), and hold the peeler with your little, ring and middle finger. My index ("first") finger rests lightly along the right-hand prong of the "Y". Then steadily pull the peeler from the top of the potato to the bottom until it's lined up with your thumb. (You're using your thumb as a pivot point. You can slide your thumb down as you go on large potatoes if it's easier.) Repeat. Then take the skin you missed off the ends and you're done!

My favourite peeler has a built-in mini grater and is plain metal. Unfortunately it rusted and I can't find a similar replacement. (I only paid $1.49 for it at Ralph's, but it lasted a good year!)

Plastic cutting boards
At least 3 - one for meat, one for fish, one for fruit and veg. Sanitation, people. Would you want a restaurant to slice your tomatoes on the board they just filleted a fish on? Don't do it in your kitchen either. Double standards end at home. Store them in one of those 3-section magazine/document racks on your counter top - it's as if that's what a magazine rack was designed for!


In conclusion...
As long as you have a chef's knife, you can do almost anything. Other tools help make you quicker and more versatile, which helps you be comfortable in your kitchen environment.

You don't need all those shiny, spiky, "convenient" things that fill kitchen drawers in every home. How convenient is an unused serrated vegetable peeler lurking in the back of a drawer? Not very convenient at all, especially as it was right in front of the spatula.

Reading is good. Honest.

I have a pretty eclectic taste in reading materials. From travel writing to sci-fi and fantasy, via World War 2 history, political thrillers and much else besides. One of my favourite genres is food writing.

Many people I know - and I suspect a great deal I don't - tend to turn up their noses at this fascinating literary area. My own dear wife, Mrs.B, is particularly fond of poking fun at the fact I recently read a book called "Salt - A World History" by Mark Kurlansky. Why would you read a book called Salt?

Because food is interesting. I now know why Kosher Salt is called Kosher Salt, and what it's best used for. I also know the difference between Sel Gris, Maldon Sea Salt, Fleur de Sel and Table Salt. I know why black salt is black and red salt is red. I also know why some salt is iodized and what that really means. (It explains why so few people in the western world suffer from goiter, for a start.) And above all, I know that I will always be a source of amusement to Mrs.B.

I do so love to make her smile.

I haven't just read books on salt. I have some excellent books about coffee, tea, whisky (the Scottish kind) and whiskey (the American kind), cod, and the potato. (I haven't actually brought myself to read that one yet. Waiting for a long, cold Winter in California...) And there are some great books about the food industry itself.

Why am I telling you this?

The more you read and learn about food, the more you know. The more you know about food, the more you think. The more you think about food, the more you want to cook. And the more you cook, the more you experiment and play around using knowledge you've acquired. And the more you play, the better your skills become.

Of course you noticed I didn't say "the better your food tastes"! We have to add in a word about experience. If you follow the recipe, you'll get good food. If you mess with a recipe and it goes horribly awry, your food can taste bad. But how and why did the ingredient you changed cause such a catastrophe? The more you read, research and experiment, the more you're likely to understand what makes a good substitution and what makes a bad one, and what can be tweaked. And then your food tastes awesome! (At least to you.)

How do I know that bit? Because I've screwed up hundreds of times. Trust me. I'm not saying I'm a good cook, but I'm pretty confident that I've become so good at being a bad cook that I'm finally getting better.

So read, read, and read some more about the food you eat. If you ever wonder where cinnamon sticks come from and why they look like that, go find out. (Quite often it's not actually cinnamon...) Ever thought about how they get the caffeine out of coffee, and what they should have done to the guy who first tried it? Pick up that book. Do you wonder why Mrs.B looks particularly amused? California is probably going through a cold snap.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find out which part of Emeril they get the Essence from.

Web log? Can't we call it something shorter?

So I had a conversation a while ago with a singer I know.

He's not a famous singer, but he likes to dress in leathers and feathers whatever the weather(tm). He knows who he is, even if the rest of the free world don't. Yet.

So I was having a conversation with this singer about web logging, and how I really don't care enough about anything to warrant writing a blog. He suggested I write a blog about the wild turkeys that sleep in the trees outside my apartment. I laughed, pointing out that no-one in their right mind would read a blog about turkeys crapping on my air conditioner and falling out of trees. (They sometimes do.) So I left the blogging thing to others.

But then something occurred to me. Anybody who habitually writes about their world and posts it on online must be out of their mind. Likewise with anyone who habitually reads about somebody else's world online. And as I do habitually read the blogs written by my friends, I must be out of my mind! Therefore making it perfectly logical for me to write this blog.

And for those of you wondering what on earth this will be about, I direct you to the title bar at the top of this page. I love food. I love drink. I love to cook. I love cooking with drink. I love to drink while I cook. Sometimes the drink even makes it into the food. Unfortunately, sometimes the food gets into the drink resulting in those annoying moments where you try to fish something out of your Hendricks and Tonic. Knowing my luck it'll be a sardine...

A "world-wide-web log posting" - we have to find a shorter name, like maybe a "3-dub-post"? Catchy? Never mind then - a blog on food, drink, cooking, and assorted kitchen-related miscellany.

Interested? Add this to your favourites and I hope you enjoy listening to me preach about random food facts, the best way to cut an onion and how to actually make use of a tin of corned beef without throwing out the pink part first.

Not interested? I'll send my singing friend to regale you with musical tales on the fate of turkeys who take a dump on my aircon.